i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
