Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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