he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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