can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Dicks are not precious.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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