Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
