you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
