things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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