i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
