We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
