I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
