my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
