she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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