I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
