I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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