I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
