listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
