I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Michael Bay diarrhea
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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