Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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