Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
