mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
