Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
