mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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