watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
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