I just saw a hot homeless man
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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