im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
