glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
