I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Randomize
