absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
