Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
