god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
