I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
