I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
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