i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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