So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
