i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
