He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
