Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
