I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Couch. On fire.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
