Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
