Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
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