Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
