His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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