I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
