I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
