hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
