The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
