Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
