I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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