Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
