you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
