I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
