pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
