My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
