Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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