Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
