We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
