it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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