EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
