my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
