Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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