Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
