everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
