dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
