I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize