i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
