Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
