The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize