I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize