am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
