he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
