my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
