guys are not supposed to queef...right?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
