At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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